Control Tower, this is Flight 2012, requesting permission to land. We need to do so quickly. We’re missing a wheel or two, so we’re coming in hot, and the landing will be fast since we’re missing part of the wing, not to mention a window or two. Frankly, we can’t get down soon enough.
You may recall when we took off on this eventful flight, we encouraged all of the passengers to keep their seatbelts fastened. And to keep on their flight helmets, flak jackets and life preservers. We also recommended the brace position with head down, but we know many of you kept peeking. We could tell by the gasps.
We made it to some of our predicted destinations, although our route did make some deviations from the flight plan.
For example, we predicted that Captain Barack would get a four-year contract extension after Captain Mitt showed he wasn’t up to the task.
However, we thought that Mitt’s downfall would be Ron Paul sitting out on the right wing, causing the passengers to tilt left.
We also thought that Mitt would make it to the GOP cockpit only after the Supreme Court said Obamacare didn’t have the Constitution to fly. Turns out, the court liked it enough that Mitt couldn’t use health as a reason to oust Captain Barack from the cockpit.
Meanwhile, we were on course when our flight plan said Sen. Amy Klobuchar would land safely, but we were a little off course when we suggested that a substantial number of passengers would not support her.
We were headed in the right direction, however, when we predicted that Klobuchar would be ably assisted by the state GOP. The party of fiscal integrity and family values managed to run out of money early in the year, shortly after Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch resigned because of her affair with a staffer was revealed. We were sort of right in noting that the Republicans would come up with the dough and that Koch would be forgotten by Election Day, but the damage would come during the co-pilot recruitment period. The result was that the Republicans opted for Kurt Bills, a high school civics teacher, and expected him to compete by flying a Piper Cub up against Klobuchar’s space shuttle operation.
We didn’t see Flight 2012 veering off to the left as far as it did. We thought we would have a bi-plane to fly (with one party flapping one wing, and the other party the other wing) during our flyovers of both St. Paul and Washington. In Washington, passengers are still riding a bi-plane, and Captain Barack can only maneuver controls for the left wing, not the right.
In St. Paul, on the other hand, Gov. Dayton has taken full control, and most of his passengers are sitting firmly planted on the left side of the fuselage. The nose is pointing substantially to port.
We thought the marriage amendment would provide just the octane needed to make the race close — when, in fact, it now appears that it provided a drag on both take off and landing for the GOP.
And perhaps the biggest hole in our parachute came after a new Vikings’ stadium came crashing through it, on its way to passage. We thought on take-off that the stadium would still be causing plenty of updrafts, alternating with downdrafts, but no way would it be airborne by now.
On the international leg of the journey, we thought we would see more mysterious explosions, meltdowns and cyberattacks in Iran than actually occurred. We keep looking out the window, and one of these years we will see it — but apparently we are still a little ahead of ourselves.
On our sports junket, we managed to take you to the WNBA finals with the Lynx, and to the NIT with the Gopher men’s basketball team, but we were off course in predicting you could watch the Wild in the semi-finals last spring with us. Even more shocking, we were as surprised as everyone else that now you can’t see the Wild anywhere.
As predicted, our flight saw only clouds over the Twins and Timberwolves. However, we were flying upside down when we predicted that the Gopher gridders would have a better record than the Vikings. Both flew higher than the year before, but the Vikings topped the Gophers. In fact, the Vikings have risen so far, fans may want to don oxygen masks for today’s game against the Packers.
If there was one thing that was not included in the flight plan, it was all of the flak that was shot at the passengers during Flight 2012. Even those playing with toy planes in first grade and big kids riding around in fire trucks were not shielded. We took off with great anticipation, but ended on some very sad notes.
Flight 2012 took a number of hits during the year, and that’s why we need to get back on the ground as soon as possible.
Passengers need to remain in the brace position until touchdown. We’ve still got a couple of days left on this flight, and the way things have been going, about the only good thing that can be said about this flight is that the Mayan calendar was wrong. We still have a place to land. However, passengers are reminded to remain seated until this flight has reached the gate.
Whether Flight 2013 will be able to take off in Flight 2012’s wake remains to be seen. Check next week for updated information on arrivals and departures of the annual Flight of Fancy.
Tom West is the editor and general manager of the Record. He may be reached at (320) 632-2345 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.